The Old Man

by Captain Perry Wrinkle

(From the archives, a February 2001 C.P. Wrinkle)

Now Dad is getting up in years, and him being the patriarch of an extremely large family makes his health and well being a matter of near national concern. He has three daughters who constantly diagnose his ailments and usually call me with their concerns.

I spend a lot of time with Father and every time I ask how he is doing, he always answers the same, “Dandy.”

Well, he had a physical exam scheduled for just after New Year’s and I went with him. I even went in the examination room because I knew I would be cross-examined by the whole family.

Father is a staunch Democrat and his doctor is a Republican. All the way over to the doctor’s office I heard about how the Republicans were conniving and fixing the whole thing down there in Florida. By the time we arrived at the office, he was really wound up. They took him right in and the doctor asked him how come he missed his last physical six months before. The old man answered, “I guess you were the only one who knew about it!” The doctor said, “I waited here all day for you and you didn’t show up.”

“Well,” says the old man, “these damn physicals you guys got going is just a racket to milk money out of Medicare. I know if I’m sick or not and I know I’m dandy. But pretty soon Medicare is going to run out and you are going to starve to death.” The doctor broke out laughing at this. That didn’t set well with Father. “You think it’s funny,” he says. “While we are on the subject of money, how much did it cost you guys to fix up that election down there in Florida?” About this time the phone rings and the doctor is called out of the room. His nurse comes in and takes Dad’s blood pressure, draws blood for testing, and then she gives him a flu shot.

“What was that for?” he asks.

The nurse answered that it was to prevent him from having the flu.

“Oh, yes,” says the old man. “I come in here feeling dandy and you fellers make sure I’m sick when I leave.”

The doctor re-enters the room about this time and his nurse scoots out of there.

“Excuse me for leaving the room,” says the doc. “I had an important phone call.”

“Who was it?” asks the old man, “George W. asking for another donation?”

“No,” says the doc. “It was the Red Cross.”

“Oh,” says Dad, “they put you in charge of that already?”

The doctor starts laughing again. After he regains his composure he says, “Sir, you are in great physical condition. I can’t find anything wrong with you. If you keep doing what you are doing, you could live to be a 100.”

“Well,” says Dad, “for a Republican, you ain’t too bad of a guy. I just wish you would tell me how you guys fixed the election.”

The doctor started smiling, and then he answered, “When I was young I lived in New York. Every time a boat came by the Statue of Liberty and landed, the people who got off were met at the gate and told that they were now Democrats. I expect it worked a lot like that. I’ll see you in six months. In the meantime, stay healthy.” With that he left the room.

As we were heading home the old man looks over at me and says, “You know, I really like that man. For a Republican he is quite a guy. But, now that I think about it, I don’t know but he got the best of me.”

“Well,” says I, “I think it was tit for tat.”

– Stay Healthy and Good Fishing