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Your Opinion Counts!

by Eva Murray

It has to be an “x.” Not a check-mark, not a colored-in box, only an “x.”

Not long ago I was carefully selected to be the valued recipient of an unsolicited 32-page survey from Nielsen. I thought they were the company that surveyed people about their favorite TV shows, back before Alexa and her ilk took notes on Americans’ household activities, but I guess the outfit has expanded. The survey asked about everything except my cat’s name, how I take my coffee, and whether I cheat on my taxes. They sent a dollar for my trouble, and assured me that my opinion counts.

I figured at about ten bucks an hour, which is roughly what I make in most of my jobs, they had rented me for six minutes. If I’m going to work for somebody else I usually, in addition, get my lunch paid for, or at least some colorful office supplies. This was low-rate labor. More sensible folks (such as my husband, both of my kids, the postmaster, any of the guys on the wharf, and my drinking buddy on the North End who teaches Russian) would have pocketed the dollar and tossed the paperwork. I figured I’d be a good sport and give them the six minutes they’d paid for.

However, I live on fair Matinicus Island, where there is no such thing as a simple answer to a simple question.

The first question was about “Activities you have done in the past 12 months,” which included “boating.” Check (no, I mean “x”). I did haul multiple truckloads of trash, recyclables, and rope off this island on the ferry. That’s technically boating. The survey also asked about “fishing.” That leaves me out, but I am an anomaly in my community. I did not “x” the box. I checked most of the other options: grilling, camping, hiking, lawn care, gardening. I checked skiing, because they don’t specify that you have to know what you are doing, and I went once last year. I checked running, because they don’t specify that you have to be fast. I checked most everything except the team sports. There are no team sports in my world. One time, when I was skating around in circles at the ice rink in Rockport while stuck on the mainland in bad weather, somebody asked me if I’d like to join the women’s pick-up hockey. I explained where I lived, and that was the end of that. Hockey wasn’t in the survey anyway. Neither was ham radio.

I did check off “swimming” assuming a New Year’s Day polar bear dip must count.

“Write in the number of domestic airplane round trips you took within the continental United States within the past 12 months.” I’d have to look at my checkbook to get this number, but I am one of Penobscot Island Air’s best customers. Hmm—one round trip to Bozeman, Montana for a wedding, one round trip to Seattle to see my sister, and 40-some-odd trips to Rockland and back? Wait a minute: have we ascertained whether Matinicus is technically “in” the continental United States?

The survey offered an exhaustive list of stores in the “retail shopping” portion, but I am sad to report that they neglected to include Hamilton Marine. I checked off L.L. Bean and Reny’s and moved on.

“How many working television sets in your home?” would have to be answered by use of a fraction, were I to be accurate. They didn’t offer any fractions. My one television—or my TV antenna, to be more accurate (and we have tried every kind they make) only works in some weather, because we are too far from the signal in all cases. I’d say we have working television about 2/3 of the time, at best; maybe less when there are leaves on the trees. There were many questions about “how we get TV.” I wanted to write in “lousy” but there was nowhere to write in anything. “Select devices that are connected to your television set…” Well, a couple of years ago another islander’s telephone was connected to our television set, entirely by accident. When we found ourselves hearing a friend half a mile from here talk to his daughter in medical school when we meant to be watching Jim Lehrer in our kitchen, we learned a bit more about the miracles of wireless telecommunication. I don’t think that’s what the survey was asking about.

There was page after page about my TV viewing preferences. I like “CBS Sunday Morning” and those Public Broadcasting programs about how they build skyscrapers. I used to catch “Mythbusters” on occasion if I was in a hotel somewhere, but I’m too cheap to pay for satellite so I’ve never watched it at home. I suppose I’d watch the Seattle Seahawks once in a while if they broadcast the games more in this part of the country.

I came across a show called “Ice Pilots” recently. It sure looked like the real world to me. I try not to watch “Deadliest Catch” for the same reason.

I think the six minutes are up.

The survey asked what soda I liked, but did not offer a check box for root beer, so I skipped it.

“Select the types of transportation you use.” Well, I was sitting in a 36' truck on the state ferry as I wrote this, and “ferry” was included in the list, so I put an “x” in that box. Neither lobster boat nor Cessna 206 were options. I checked “other.” How uninteresting.

The section on newspapers did not happen to include the option of The Fishermen’s Voice.

Do I use the printed Yellow Pages? Yes, but I suspect I’m the only one. “Select your Internet Service provider.” TDS Telecom was not on the list. “Provider of homeowner’s insurance?” That’s a long, sad story, but many of us out here must resort to Lloyd’s of London, and I am not kidding. Lloyd’s of London was not on the list either.

“Select items you shopped for on the internet recently.” I tried, but there were no check boxes for fittings, or hardware, or repair parts of any kind, which is most of what gets ordered from this address. Nothing about truck tailgate hinges, or diodes and capacitors, or water heater elements, or gas appliance regulators. I don’t know about all this stuff they think people order, “sports logo apparel” and “pet supplies” and “wine.” No, we didn’t order any of that.

“Does anybody living in the home have at least one working cell phone?” I suppose that depends on how you parse the question. I have a cell phone but it only works when I am not in my home.

It asked whether I had used a personal injury attorney in the past year. It asked how I vote. It asked a bunch of other questions about things which are nobody’s business, if all they need is a bit of marketing feedback. I’m beginning to suspect there’s a dark side. Maybe this survey is what we’ll get instead of a real census form this year. Maybe this is Russians monkeying with the data. Maybe it’s a conspiracy! Maybe Nielsen is in league with Alexa, or the Chinese government, or Immigration and Customs Enforcement, or the mafia or the Sith. Maybe my dollar is counterfeit! Maybe my opinion doesn’t count!

Finally, toward the end, on page 30: “What is your exact job, profession, or line of work?”

Exact? You mean like what I’m doing right now, in this newspaper, making fun of your survey?

That took a lot more than six minutes, by the way. I figure you guys at Nielsen owe me about twenty bucks.

Eva Murray is the Recycling and Solid Waste Coordinator for Matinicus Island. Eva’s last lobster license was dated 1990, the year her son was born, and cost $53.00, which at the time she thought was an awful lot of money.