Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People

 

Dear Cap’n East,
I’m a longliner captain and away from home for long periods of time on a fairly regular basis. When I get back from trips, my wife always has lasagna for our first meal. I hate lasagna. It’s not that I don’t like Italian food. It’s just I hate lasagna. We seem to have it when we go to friends for “potluck” too often and my wife knows I hate it. What do I do?
Signed,
Lasagna Despiser

Dear Lasagna Despiser,
There are a couple of things you could do. One, while you’re home, take a sample of your wife’s lasagna to a psychiatrist for treatments of Lasagnaphobia. These guys can sometimes work wonders. Two, when you get back from your next trip, insist on taking her out to a Chinese restaurant every night while you’re home. Maybe she’ll understand. Especially if she dislikes Chinese food as much as my wife.

 

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Dear Captain Mark East,
I moved to Massachusetts a couple of years ago to a sweet and quaint town on the coast that I really love. There’s just one problem that I didn’t take into account. The smell of fishing gear is all around me (I bought the house in the winter), from lobster traps to nets and drags. I’m thinking of getting up a petition. What should I do?
Signed,
Odor Problem

Dear Odor Problem,
This is an age old situation in coastal towns. If you value your life and home, do not, and I repeat, do not “get up a petition.” You can sell and find another house or burn a lot of incense, wear a mosquito net doused in cologne until winter returns, cauterize your sniffer, or wear a designer noseclip, but do not get up a petition.

Write: capmarke@gmail.com