Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People

Dear Cap’n Mark,
I live in Southwest Florida near the Ten Thousand Islands. I enjoy my flats boat a lot which I use for back country shallow water flyfishing. My problem, and I hope you can help me with this, is I’m 86 years old and married to an older woman (93). She worries about me when I go fishing. What can I do? I don’t want to give up and watch Wide World of Sports everyday.
Signed, Old Fisherman

Dear Old Fisherman,
First, my compliments. You are a model for all of us. I could use a cane just boarding a boat now at 70. First, you could possibly list all the safety precautions you now take such as lifejacket suspenders, flares, noisemakers, spare gas, full beer cooler, paid-up life insurance policy, and radio position activator. If that doesn’t work, try one of the new satellite phones. Call her every day on the hour. Especially on “Hair and Nails” day. She’ll be happy you go fishing.

Dear Cap’n Mark,
My husband and I are planning a trip to Arizona to do a lot of hiking. My husband of many years is scared of heights and snakes. What should I do?
Signed, Wife of Scaredy Cat

Dear Wife of Scaredy Cat,
Well, you could leave him at the Airport Hilton and he could hike the various terminals. I have heard the Pima Indian tribe has started a guide service using yodeling dogs that you can hire which find snakes along the trails and scare them away with their yodels. They also make a liquor from the Saguarro cactus which though quite expensive (Saguarros are a revered cactus) will take care of your husband’s altitude problem. Use it sparingly.

Write: capmarke@gmail.com