Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People

Dear Captain Mark,
I have a real problem, not unlike others I’m sure. Our son, who loves to sail, ski, mountain climb, etc., very athletic, in his mid teens, is a consummate practical joker. He seems to live for it. He fixed the sail on our sailboat this summer so we couldn’t change it during a race, screwed the toilet lid down when I was having lady friends over for cocktails one afternoon, last year he screwed his father’s ski boots to his skis. In a water balloon fight between boats, he filled some balloons with urine and hit the Commodore of the Yacht club. Now we’re in bad graces with him.
Signed, What’s a mother to do

Dear What’s a mother to do,
I guess you’ve probably thought about tricking him into a Bosun’s chair, running him up the mast, and leaving him there awhile. Then again he’d find a way down and leave you dismasted. Or perhaps towing him behind in a dinghy during a storm. Or locking him in the engine room with a bilge full of fresh diesel oil on a nice roilly day. I’m sure practical jokes would just make him more imaginative. Have you explored the possibility of teen “Boot Camp” or Hurricane Island and their Outward Bound program. Counseling by an Ex-Marine Gunny Sergeant. Mother, I don’t know what you’re going to do. But good luck anyway.
Signed, Cap’n Mark

Dear Cap’n,
I know you must spend a lot of time in the sun. Do you have any suggestions for sunscreen? The ones I’ve tried have not been very effective.
Signed, Sun Blisters

Dear Sun Blisters,
I have found over the last few years that “No Ad,” available at large grocery stores and at Wal- Mart is quite effective for sunscreen as well as after-burn for soothing. You’d probably need a high number like 45 or 60. I usually use 15 for around the boatyard use.
Signed, Cap’n Mark