Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People

Dear Capt. Mark East,
Here in Maine the Native Turkey population has been steadily increasing the last 10 to 15 years and I’d surely like to bag one for Thanksgiving this year. I’ve tried calling every which way from Say 13unday and can’t seem to bring one in. Wife’s beginning to think I’m having an affair with a female turkey hunter. Any thoughts??
Signed, Turkey Looker

Dear Turkey Looker,
Although I’ve not done much Turkey hunting, guess my ADD takes over and I get too restless. However, a good elbow-bending friend of mine has mentioned a way to get the old birds attention. Smack two rocks together real hard and if you get an immediate ‘gobble’ (a shock gobble) wait a while, then give just a normal cluck. Keep your eyes peeled.

Dear Capt. Mark,
My next door neighbor really likes to use his smoker for a lot of the game he shoots and fish he catches. Only problem, we live in a small confined neighborhood, and the houses are beginning to show the effects of the greasy smoke by smell and sight. We like this guy but haven’t the courage to say anything to him. What should we do?
Signed, Smoke Cloud

Dear Smoke Cloud,
Are you guys a bunch of wimps or what?? However, I understand where you’re coming from. Keep good neighbors. Maybe try groups of you going over with empty plates to see if you can’t cadge a little free smoked game. Keep that up and when he doesn’t have enough left for himself maybe he’ll find a different place to smoke.... maybe you’ll wish he was still smokin’.