Rushing

by Captain Perry Wrinkle

The Xmas season came rushing in the day after Thanksgiving. The store keepers say that’s the busiest shopping day of the year. Geeze, I wish I could be that organized. I always wait till the last minute and I know I’m not the only one because when I go into one of those superstores it’s a scene like Nascar and the starting of the fire cracker 500, only in this case it’s shopping carts jockeying for position instead of race cars and they are all being operated by women. If some of them were driving Nascar, Ricky Rudd or Richard Petty wouldn’t have a chance. I mean, these girls are wild, they are out of control, they just lose it.

Some say it’s the Xmas spirit, it may be but if so, they must be drinking the stuff. If you happen to be in a store area when they announce a sale on something near you, you had better crawl under a table or climb a shelf, otherwise you will be black and blue from the hips down before you can get out of the store. If you happen to be dumb enough to actually buy something and try to make it through the checkout, you had better buy baseball catchers equipment and put it on backwards and even with that, don’t even think about using a charge card unless you are a woman.

A woman will stand there with a 50-lb. pocketbook full of them and try to find one that ain’t maxed out. She will smile sweetly and everyone will smile back while the clerk tries them all. But if you are a man and just try to pull "one" out of your wallet, the whole line of 15 women behind you with rounded shopping carts will move in unison and bash you right through the checkout.

I even tried wearing my hip rubber boots pulled all the way up but all that did was slow me down when I was trying to run in them. I think I finally got it figured out for this year, I know my grandchildren like to unwrap presents but the joy on their little faces does not out do the pain on mine and it’s long after New Year’s day before the black and blue marks go away.

I bought a box of envelopes at the grocery store, went to the drive-up at the bank and changed a 100 dollar bill for a hundred one dollar bills. I divided them up, stuffed them in the envelopes and put their names on them. Shazam, my shopping is done.

Have a great Christmas,
Cap’t Perry Wrinkle