Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People

Dear Capt. East,
I have been going lobstering from an island here on the coast of Maine since we retired from the Marine Corps. Even though I was born here, we’ve had a lot of trouble with traps cut off, nasty things tied to our lines and other not so nice suggestions. We’re getting mad.
Signed,
Semper Fi

Dear Semper Fi,
Sounds like you’ve got a sharkfest brewing. I’ve heard these lobster wars can be quite “interesting.” Not knowing what you and your husband did in the Marines, have you perhaps considered getting one of those signal cannons like the summer folks use to start sailboat races and mount it on your foredeck. Try a few shots just outside the harbor early some morning and see if this doesn’t get the fleet’s attention.
Capt. Mark East

Dear Capt. Mark,
You seem to have a cool imagination for a lot of life’s problems. I don’t know if you have ever played golf, but here in Florida we have a problem with alligators on the golf courses. Some of them are quite large. When a golf ball lands near one we don’t dare to take that shot. Do you have any suggestions?
Signed,
Lost Balls

Dear Lost Balls,
My thought might be to get yourself a border collie. They are very fast and quick on their feet. Alligators like dogs and cats. Train the collie to lure the gator away from your balls. Taking this one step further, perhaps you could float this idea to your golf course. They could keep several collies at the clubhouse for use by members. Perhaps you could syndicate this idea for “Lost Balls Collies.”
Capt. Mark East

Write: capmarke@gmail.com