Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People


Dear Capt. Mark,
My wife and I retired to Florida in September of last year. This move had been our dream for sometime and almost didn’t come true when we lost a lot of our retirement income in this “recession.” Instead of a house, we found a mobile home in a park right on the water with a boat dock included in the rent. I’m doing a lot of fishing but have a problem. My wife won’t let me cook the catch in the trailer and when I try to grill it outside the neighbors complain.
Signed,
Fish Smoke

Dear Fish Smoke,
An old fishing buddy of mine has taken up residence in a park similar to the one you describe and was having the same problem with grilling outside. Do you have a pickup truck? If so, load your grill into the back along with your cooler of beer, a portable table and chair. Drive this with your fish catch to a nearby area where you can watch the sunset. Cook your fish, enjoy the beer, revel in the sunset and never leave the body of your pickup. Make sure to describe this in glowing description to your wife and neighbors. Before long they will be wanting to join you and you’ll have leverage, the upper hand.

Mr. Mark,
I just bought a house on the water in Massachusetts. In front is tidal water with a great area for going clamming. I don’t eat the muddy things and I'm having problems with people who come over my land to dig them. They’ve torn down my gate, my fences, terrorized my dog and insulted my wife. What can I do?
Signed,
Clam War

Dear Mr. Clam War,
Problem is, you’re up against people's livelihood and other’s appetite for good eating. You have a few options. You can move or you can join them. My suggestion would be this: Find a good hypnotist. Have him hypnotize you and your wife to enjoy clams. Get your clamdigger/trespassers together for a big clam roast. They supply the clams, you supply the fixin’s and the beer. You'll have a new set of friends and they'll leave the dog alone.

Write: capmarke@gmail.com