Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People



Dear Capt. Mark,

I moved to Camden (Maine) not long ago. Told my girl friends back home in N.H. that I'm going to meet a cute, single lobsterman who brings me home lobster and love every night. I’m sweet, cute, nice, single, love lobster, boats and the ocean.

So how does a lonely, new cute lady like me, meet this nice lobsterman who’s also lonely, cute, and nice? So I can write all my girl friends back home that I did it all and eat lobster every night with my new lobsterman who’s cute.

Sincerely, Lonely in Camden

 

Dear Lonely in Camden,

Sorry, I don’t do dating service. However, a few thoughts. Be yourself, a natural girl, easy on the makeup. Maine boys don't hold to a lot of grease. And, a lot of fishermen are shy. Hang out at a few wharves. Get your hands dirty, maybe fill some bait bags, ask to go out on a trip. Ask questions, be interested, don’t be afraid and when you find the one, don’t be too forward. Let him “catch” you like he catches lobsters. Good luck, Keep me posted.

 

 

Dear Capt. East,

My husband and I retired a few years ago to Northern Maine. I didn’t realize the winters could be so long. To fill in the long days, this used to be “wimpy” husband of mine starts trapping. He stays away for sometimes two or three days. Homecoming can sometimes be quite rapturous. However, there’s one problem. He stinks of dead animals, wood smoke, grease, and god knows what else. I love him, but what can I do?

signed, Perplexed

 

Dear Perplexed,
When your smelly hero comes home next time, march him stripped to a hot bath. Dump in 1 box baking soda, gallon of apple cider. When he stops fizzing let him soak for ten minutes. Rinse him off, march him to the hot tub and a masculine bubble bath. Roll in snow after, and enjoy the capture.

 

Write: capmrke@gmail.com