Capt. Mark East’s Advice to the Careworn, Confused, Lovelorn and Other Outdoor People


Dear Captain Mark,
I really do like to ice fish. Over the years I have accumulated all the gear anyone would ever need for this cold-weather sport. Every weekend finds me on the ice somewhere even though the season has changed and lakes are not frozen over as long a time. My wife of many years says she wants to go to Florida for the winters now that she’s retired. What do I do??
Signed,
Ice Lover

Dear Ice Lover,
Maybe she doesn’t realize how cold Florida winters have become. See if she would go along with turning a room in your house into a beach scene. Bring in sand, a hot tub, fake palms, “sun” lights and Jimmy Buffet music. Put a constant Monitor Florida Thermometer on the wall so she can see how much warmer it is in your state and she’ll be happy. You can then look forward to maybe seven days of safe fishing. See you in Costa Rica soon.
Signed,
Cap’n Mark

Dear East,
With heating oil prices climbing again, and being an avid hunter I wonder if there might be a market for pelt blankets like deer, bear and raccoon? What do you think?
Signed,
Beat the Cold

Dear Beat The Cold,
I tried sleeping under a bear rug once when I was a kid and all I remember is it kept tickling my nose and keeping me awake. Plus it smelled funny. Try it at home or on not so good friends first!! I think that’s why LL Bean does such a business in down comforters. You’re too late.
Signed,
Cap’n Mark

Write: capmarke@gmail.com