FEETOFF
Think Tank Approaches Governor on Gouldsboro Cannery
The residents of the Gouldsboro area are facing the very real threat that many area residents will be out of work indefinitely, and that some may lose their homes and maybe their home town, as a result of the closing of the Stinson’s sardine cannery there, the last cannery in the nation.
The darkest hour is just before the dawn they say, and sure enough, someone with the spare time to sit around developing the idea this desperate situation requires, has come up with what they say is the solution that might save more than 100 families.
Blueberries! Canned blueberries, everyone’s favorite way to eat the fruit. This came free of charge to the unemployed of Downeast Maine from the people for the ethical treatment of animals (PETA).
PETA made the suggestion that the Stinson’s plant can blueberries, not lobster, because canning hurts. In a letter to Maine Governor John Baldacci, the PETA representative, Ms. Tracy Reiman, executive vice president, compared lobster to young human children. Some moms with 2-year-olds might see a parallel there.
The PETA think tank also objects to the canning of sardines, because sardines, in their words, are “thinking, feeling, social” individuals. Most consumers don’t know that, because these are not the attributes that come to mind when opening a can of sardines.
This solution to the problem caused by the cannery closing came just in time for Governor Baldacci, whose lobster Task Force has been struggling with lobster marketing issues. While the Governor’s helicopter is said to be rushing Ms. Tracy Reiman to Augusta for emergency Blue Ribbon panel discussions, which it is hoped will lead to relief of the world canned blueberry shortage crisis, another group has seen this development as an opportunity.
They also say, “Find a star and hitch your wagon to it.” That’s just what the group, Fish for the Eventual Eethical Treatment of Fin Fish (FEETOFF) has done. This group was formed by a radical group of pelagics in the southern Gulf of Maine. The titular head of the group traces its roots back to a splinter group which chose not to abandon the marine environment. The group got immediate and heated opposition from highly migratory groups which charged FEETOFF with partisanship and disregard for the ocean food web.
A FEETOFF spokesman res- ponded by likening the highly migratory groups to selfish multinationals that sweep in, exploit local resources, then leave local fish populations to fend for themselves. The spokesman went on to say that the pelagics are now in talks with Ms. Reiman of PETA, in an effort to form an alliance. Tentatively the new alliance will be called Diadromous United with Humans.
This case is a reminder of the amazing things the human mind can do. It is also cause to recall the words of a famous American athlete and fisherman. Ted Williams was Mr. Baseball, the Sultan of Swat, a man whose batting average record has stood unbroken for 60 years. Williams, as quick of wit as quick of bat, was never at a loss for words. An interviewer once told him what a negative critic had said about him. Williams’ response about that critic was, “If you don’t think too good, don’t think too often.”